SO yes, back into introspective mode.I realized today my music is sad, it had anger, but sad emo shit indie shit, not anger like, oh I'm going to kill you and I'm so angry ill kill myself, rather is more like, I'm so sad ill dry myself crying oceans and ill become soil because this pain is crushing, I mean I had a clue, but I’m trying to observe the things around me, that bring me down, since I’ve started seeing in other people, music, clothing, basically regular daily choices....
That brought me, to a song, a song I cried to, so many times, and In those days I felt that the soft chavon breeze was sandpaper to my skin...Indeed the song is pretty, I don’t feel it like that anymore (now I have a new set of songs that do that) ...going deeper, I heard this song, after the Todd aftermath, and now that I look back, how many years hmm, 6 years ago...
That is the break up that left me, dead. I've had many break ups, but that one, was marked by this song...and honestly, I don't know if it was maybe the first real heart demolition, but I really really thought I was going to die, It became physical, It was so harsh that getting up from my bed was an effort, or eating, I couldn't eat ( and God knows how I love to eat), I’m impressed thought because It was obvious He did not see who I was, He did not see beauty in me, bueno it was not clear to me either, but now, looking back, me quejo y todo, pero I’m so glad ssooo glad, I've never felt again pain like that, And I really don’t know what I saw in him, ( y no digo por bajar sus cosas enserio) but we were so different, I could understand some of his things, or intereses but not all, yet there I was, thinking life was over, bueno I was young, very, and I had never had that encounter with anyone, meaning, sleeping over, all the time we spent together avoiding life, and I was just use to being less, or not important....He had ONE thing, that until today when people try to fuck with him I say, He's the first one, that in Sto. Dgo. Held my hand proudly, and If people stared He (and his NYC attitude) would replay What r you looking at, and coming from an adolescence lacking that granted that made me feel like ddaammmn right bitches...check this shit out.
Anyhow, He’s happily married to Natalie ( funny how he hated how she laughed and u could hear it across la residencia) and im glad, He needed happiness and He found it. :)
Its just weird sometimes how we suffer, pq si, or by being fixed of an idea a very particular idea, If one could detach oneself from feelings, and see it from up above maybe we wouldn’t suffer so much, then again, I see it like this now, because time has passed and thanks to that, I learnt many things, things I did not repeat in my next relationship, and now I’m in the same place, Things I learnt with my new not so new ex, ehhe, I’m repeating the good and trying to break the pattern of the bad.
Talking about patterns.. I guess we all have them, conductas aprendidas, things the we saw at home, parents, and relatives...
I came to realize I have been repeating a pattern, I almost forgot this.... but the other day it came to me, so simple...
Growing up, I with relatives, and when my mother came back to D.R. she had like 3 jobs, I was home alone, most of the time, and then, when I was 17 until my 20's my mom and my aunt-granny they were always traveling, I was alone most of the time, It was lonely, but it was fun, I would dance around the house, talk on the phone like crazy, and read endless comic books to my dogs.
We had exchange students, because I wanted to understand a bit what It felt like to have a siblings, but they would leave and I was alone again, And I would really enjoy it, being my myself, but my dramatic side would feel abandoned...
I did understand that my mom HAD to be absent in order to give me the life, she wanted to give me, summer camps, nice school, English, French, Italian, German classes on Saturdays, and the 2 trips a year we would take to eeuu...
Nevertheless, as soon as I got a taste of having people around, I started to cling, I started to have fear of being alone, and that translated into creating in my young adult life, relationships with friends and boyfriends/girlfriend of.. (And this is very important folks)
1.) Withholding
2.) Withdrawing
3.) Projecting
Basicamente:: keeping inside things I should say, swallowing my anger, secrets and lies, pulling back from contact, not reaching out, feeling lonely while being with someone and and attributing stuff that is going on with me, fears, sadness to other people...
Basically creating co-dependent circles with the people around me...
In addition, god, I am learning now, at 27 that is SO NOT healthy, nor the way to go.
So my question is::
When did this start and how did I not see it??????
I don’t know really how to make or form other type of relationships really, It's what im use to, but at least, I've realized the pattern and hopefully that's part of the healing o don’t know the path to change it.
I remember in my early 20's having a drastic change, well not drastic but if life is like a big window with parts that are dirty or blurred discovering those parts I couldn’t see before, I feel im there again, but this time is somehow different, refreshing, the first time I felt this i was just amazed it was happening, now its more like ok ok ok its happening again, NOW what am I going to do with it?
gosh, Indeed I love to talk (write)..
all this to say I found
faithless evergreen
the lyrics ::
( siempre me gusto that concept of running with rain face ingenioso but very true for those who cry often, way to often ehhehe ahhhhh yes la melancolia inglesa simply kicks ass hurrray for the eternal rain in the north they go deeeeeeeeeeeeep into the uy me duele)
Running with my rain face on
Today I woke up feeling sad
I know that you said,
That one day I would be glad
Hold the Choirs of Winter,
The Birds are calling to me and
All the leaves I came to love are falling
Ribbons on evergreen, owls that pull them apart
I can hear you singing my funny valentine
Oh you know that breaks my heart
Hold the choirs of winter,
The Birds are calling to me and
All the leaves I came to love
Oh you know that breaks my heart
Oh you know that breaks my heart
Running with my rain face on
No Idea of what to say
No idea of what to do
In this fear that never goes
Waiting for all my dreams
Oh you know it breaks my heart
Hold the Choirs of Winter,
The Birds are calling to me and
All the leaves I came to love
Oh you know it breaks my heart
Oh you know it breaks my heart
Oh you know That breaks my heart